Part 1: Rewritten Paragraph
“My eyes were heavy and sore now, staring at my future being spelled out by each shameful grade I’ve received. A twinge of guilt sat in my stomach regretting all the nights I spent procrastinating instead of learning. The school hallways were closing in on me, and––as Boyle’s ideal gas law indicates––if the volume of a closed space decreased enough to crush me to death, then the pressure in my chest was sure to be insurmountable. I had to become the best student I could be with no mistakes and flawless grades for science programs in university to notice me in the sea of numbers. Except right now, I was just a low grade; a two-dimensional digit on an infinite plane. Like a fractal in space, the spiral I was falling through was never-ending. My mind was a prison.
Why did I start comparing myself to my friends?
In fact, there’s a reasonable explanation for why CEGEP students tend to compare each other’s scores: comparing is essentially what the R score does. (Lead into the brief R score).”
I added more imagery and added nods to great scientific ideas, like the fractal and Boyle’s law. I made relevant metaphors and added one of them to my last sentence. I think I made the paragraph into a stronger pathetic argument, albeit maybe a little clustered, but I like it. I also added a closing sentence “my mind was a prison” to really emphasize that I felt trapped in turmoil as many students do after seeing that they’ve achieved lower than expected. The only issue I see is that the fractal and Boyle’s law may be difficult to understand.
Part 2: Rewritten Intro
Imagine stepping off the bus to face the building you’ve put thousands of hours of sweat and dedication into and boldly smiling right at it. It’s finally your year to accept the award of employee excellence. Adrenaline adds a pep to your step. Not a minute of the morning goes by without thinking about the smooth glass token of hard work you will be holding while your boss looks proud to have you as an employee. Lunch time rolls around and it’s time. Your boss makes the announcement: The employee excellence was deferred because each employee’s efforts were outstanding this year. The smile that lingered on your face slowly fades away. Everyone is being equally recognized. You can’t believe this! It’s great for everyone, sure, but it can’t compare to the level of satisfaction you would feel if everyone celebrated you! The extra hours and efforts are starting to feel pointless now that you haven’t been personally recognized for them. Except, the work you did all year is still the same work you were proud of moments ago. Why is it that your view has changed since this morning? It all comes down to motivation and how your mind benefits from it.
Don’t mind reading this second part. It’s just something I thought of.
[Imagine you’re walking to school one day, it’s raining and dreary, but you’ve got an umbrella and a smile on your face. You’re getting paid to go to school to learn about your favourite subjects. Then, your teacher announces that your pay is getting taken away. This is blasphemous! They can’t take your pay away, what about your education? How will you feel motivated to learn?]
Faith’s Blog 